Upcoming Pain Train EVENTS for Winter 2011

  • Every Wednesday - night rides/races. Meet 6pm at the Boat ramp carpark Grantham st or if rule #99 applies, WT session @Guru's
  • Monthly Tour De Waikato Adventure rides
  • 30th April - Pain Train Events Present...Ibis/G-Berg dinner + night out on the town!
  • Monthly Sunday fun-day winter series & CX racing@Pukete
  • HCCC 2 up TT & handicap racing series every Saturday from May 7th - 3rd September
  • May 21st CRANK Taupo
  • May 29th Tour de Garage T.B.C
  • N-Duro 12th June
  • 2nd-3rd July - Pain Train EVENTS present 7th annual BWA - venue top secret as always...
  • N-DURO 17th July
  • 31st July - Mt Karioi Challenge
  • N-DURO 14th August

Sunday, September 5, 2010

6th Annual Special Op's Undercover agents Training Weekend 2010

Once again the annual can't miss BIG weekend of the year for the Pain Train Inglorious basterds was booked in. This is our middle of winter acclimatisation get out of hibernation, secret undercover ops 'training camp' (and a few beers with the boys and perfectly timed for Le Tour viewing as well - more ops training for 24 hour races). What goes on tour stays on tour (eh Brycie aka Captain America). Well that rule still applies, but now we have a blog, here are a few highlights of this years secret squirrel undercover operation.....deeeep in south of the middle of the north in the middle of no-where.

The start of the dusk till dawn special op's mission #1 - top brass present and correct.....Cobra WTF? We're not in the hood now bro.... We are missing a Stagg - supposedly opted for base camp duties of "stoking" the fire - whose we are not sure.....

As usual the invitations were sent out (its definitely invite only - you can't gate crash due to the very secret location and special ops training criteria). As usual everyone is sent the burn on reading invite 3 months out.... all are as keen as mustard - first time ever all invites were confirmed - this could be the first ever 100% turn out! Well after a few poor excuse, excuse cards were played, we were down to 9 out of the 12 agents invited. Not bad. The 3 "deserters" who get a big Red FAIL card, are on 50 eggs duties with Cool Hand. If you got a "bug" or a broken leg, tell someone who cares...part of the op's weekend is to get rid of said "bug" and for good luck, break a leg....ok Vincenzo you don't have to do the 50 eggs with Cool Hand - best excuse card ever played FTW ;-)


Guru's "special op's" favourite hang out - and its not where you think it is....coded for another location, delta alpha Charlie foxtrott rubber ducky - over. Pain Train supplies were purchased here at this very top secret location. Don't google the name on the bunker - its a special op's cover name only. You need a secret handshake to get in too....
Friday night is always the arrive and have a few yarns (sharing co-op mission plans for the year) next to the fire we hand-made from cutting down a tree by hand and the rocks gathered from the local Lake and streambeds. Bears I mean BEERS were also produced while on special op's "Corona" hops duty with "Steins" full of pure organic being produced.
Possibly a BIG night carbo loading at the local op's "cougar" centre for the next days BIG ride is on the agenda as well.
Well this year some of us hardened up and did night riding ops training, before the BIG op's night out. We only got out for an hour or so ride before it got too dark (as some of us forgot their lights, although this is good for some of the undercover night operations deeeep in the forest at the Moonride) it was perfect weather with clear skies - almost romantic....come on guys don't blow our cover...on this single track we'll call for secrecy reasons, "K2W". We had to get back and get our orders in at the local One Stop "Gurus" op's shop before they closed. What hasn't this special op's bunker got?! (well ok it hasn't got any AK47's or blow up dolls...that we saw).

After a big feed, we hit the beers etc (again) + watched a Lance appreciation DVD (total legend kicks arse on a Mountain bike as well) as a warm up. This was a good motivational session for the BIG night ahead......early hours of the morning later thats all I'm going to say. Some of us op-ted for lighter refreshments, but to save face of those pikers, they shall remain nameless......more hills reps tomorrow for you!

Op's Captain Focker leads the charge on op's ride #2. As you can see by the blured image, we are going VERY fast. Notice how special agent Cobra is following - he has learnt his strengths and weaknesses finally, although he does look like he is struggling to hold the wheel of Focker...

Top secret location on day 1 - basically another undercover ops hideout and sleeping quarters for the night...notice how special ops K9 leader Staggio, has tamed the the WILD beast we encountered - luckily as he had the Sask lined up for his next meal. Agent Germinator needs a good feed himself...
Wazza doing the extra hill reps for his epic lateness fail - this is number 300 so he's down to walking the line (feat.jonny cash)
Next day agent Wazza decided to turn up (after knowing he couldn't cope with Friday nights festivities) at a Waz-way time of LATE:1100 hours (once again). We were already riding our way to a place we'll call "KKB" by the time he had arrived. The day was an absolute minter too, so nooo farken way were we waiting around any longer! After a few attacks from agent Cobra on his SS29r, the boys settle in and enjoyed some sweet singletrack op's training by the side of a small lake the size of Singapore. Special op's "Last of the summer wine" track crew had been hard at work improving the access for us Inglorious basterds and had done a great job making the track more user friendly for the general public and punters. We were disppointed not to get the previously more techincal track to ride on the way back, as this had been camoflauged to cover any past secret missions we had done. Still, with another planned 65km of track, the NZSS have approved $3 million to be spent for further op's training routes.

This is singletrack how it should be - deeeeeeeeep undercover

Agent Germinator being dropped for tardy equipment and Ghey grey uniform fail.

Germinator forgot it wasn't a race for a few minutes, so any chance we got we put some advantage into him (especially when he broke his chain) we did. His downhilling needs work too, so he went faster than normal, which put the pressure right on the limit for the rest of the team. For a sponsored rider, his bike is somewhat consistantly mechanically inept......add to cart - more bike maintenance required. Not too many spills or crashes happened overall so op's training #2 for the day went down a treat. We nearly hit Wazza head on on the way back as he was smacking his donkey to meet up with us so he didn't miss too much of the morning session. He missed the ducking and diving flowing downhill and subsequent undercover op's hidden camera session. He had is own helmet camera but failed again to turn it on, then when he did, just got Sasks rear blocking the rest of real riding up front. Due to Wazza being waaaay outa line with a FAIL in punctuality, he had extra op's reps to do up the huge Mountain climb some of us did on the return from op's ride to KKB. When I say some of us, typical of sargent soft cock Brycie (who could only manage 100 horizontal metres of the climb), returned to HQ for a "shower" while a few others also achieved a FAIL mark while watching the real men of the Pain Train do the hard yards as seen below:
After doing 500x500m ascent hill reps, the hard boys of the PT reflect on  op's training for the day and the softness of those PT below. Digi asks Focker "caaaan wi dooo anetha hundrud"(translated: Can we do another 100) Focker replies: "Thats enough hill scalps for one day Digi".
There's only one FIGJAM in the Pain Train.....asking yourself doesn't count though Focker

After an epic morning riding (+/- 100km/3000m ascended) we needed sustenance. Special op's java was required so we headed for a hook up at what we will call "Crouton" (actually a secret bunker with minimal supplies of panini's, burgers and carrot cake and coffee - home away from home). Here we get an amazing special op's re-fuel (code name "K-Burger"). Here it is:
Mmmmmmm...the pickle remind you of anything Cobra???

 Sask taking a well deserved afternoon nap, after a hard day's op's + epic food. Bit of bald spot developing there - he'll have to stop rubbing up against those trees's.....

As planned post ride (instigated by agent Germinator as usual) a quick dip in the lake (swim 4km around to the next bay) was to be undertaken by all as H20 special op's, code name "major shrinkage". Well this was your typical mental test of gullability - once again agent Cobra took the bait while the rest of us sift on the shoreline, warm and fully masculine in appearance as expected - a bit soft, but not as soft as Brycie. Agent Cobra on the other hand, could be considered the hardest Pain Trainer for his effort, but came up short on 1 nut and a member. He could have regained this later on, except he decided to have a lemon tea, instead of a lemon in his Corona.

Speaking of corona's, beer o'clock 0 hundered hours was calling. But wait, there is special op's ride #3 to do. Brycie headed home - where he belonged but at least he did turn up this time. Brycie was a last man standing special op's agent, so reasonably hard, but code name "Bec's" has affected his performance somewhat, giving her more of his hardness than the op's team training. Brycie is definitely the sniper of the team though - nice work getting one past enemy lines on your 1st shot, pity you didn't get any more shooting practice though. 
Back to the riding. Night ride #2 and special op's ride#3 was to be deployed, before beers were enjoyed. Mission completed, orders were needed to be to Guru's op's shop before 19:00 hours. It was a BIG order. Team order op's code name "Hawaiian" was deployed and 5x "Scoops" + a Sask "Dog" were required for fuel for another BIG night ahead.
Tour De France watching was planned as deeep into the night training after visiting the "cougar town" night op's secret location.

But as a warm up before we were attacked by cougars, we had to watch motivation movie #2.  Aptly named, Pure Sweet Hell was training op's for the up coming NZ CX champs and was not hell to watch at all, unlike Lucas' infamous, "Cool Hand Luke" movie we had to endure last year. The boys lapped it up and got some good ideas for the NZCX course (special op's co-vert undercover project code named "mudfest" led by Vincenzo who was MIA on the weekend - broken leg pfffff - what ever....). Of course quite a few more beers were had, but as usual, The Germinator was tee-totaling and Cobra joined him with a nice cup of herbal tea......these 2 were saving themselves for Sunday - what for I don't know as Tour De Lance night op's was the mission now.
The night op's mission involved no sleep - so yep all the hard op's team stayed up, avoided getting cougarised and watched the ITT of the Le Tour, mean while soft cock op's were in bed by 9.30.......Just joking - there is no-way anyone is allowed to go to bed by 9.30 on such an important weekend! As the rest of the night was secret op's - we'll keep it that way....

Sometime in the early hours of the next morning, all members present and correct, had enjoyed seeing Andy Schleck destroy himself for the TT ride of his life, only to be pipped by that alien Spanish sook Contador. 31 seconds is all the difference was, about the same time as it takes Guru to get fit again and also come first (sorry Liz). All these BIG night activities needed a BIG cook up - appertites were fierce - below is what was being cooked up by the special op's head chef Sask and co (his pancake portion shown below).

No 50 hard eggs this trip Cool Hand - just fried.
mmmmmmmm pancakes, luckily Sask made enough for the rest of us - epic they were too.
So with Contador winning the tour, op's training food taken, it was time to hit the road for more riding.....for some us harder Inglorious basterds anyway. While special agents Germinator, Digi and Focker headed for the hills of Pain Train Base camp HQ (a little further up the road from training weekend base camp) agent Stagg took off for special op's "Turoa" for some snow sifting, while agents Sask and Guru headed home for special op's "relieve the Mrs from the screaming  kids" duties. Special agent Cobra had no excuses, but headed home with Guru as he wouldn't get home on his own. Agent Waz went his way, which may have meant more riding or may have meant Mrs Waz had other duties awaiting him.....

All in all, great weekend and after a 50/50 call to a friend since the audience had no idea, we'll say it was a 9/10 with room for improvement, as usual. And as mentioned at the beginning, what goes on tour stays on tour and if you weren't on tour, well you won't really know what happened will you, so you really need to be on tour next time!