6th Annual Special Op's Undercover agents Training Weekend 2010

Once again the annual can't miss BIG weekend of the year for the Pain Train Inglorious basterds was booked in. This is our middle of winter acclimatisation get out of hibernation, secret undercover ops 'training camp' (and a few beers with the boys and perfectly timed for Le Tour viewing as well - more ops training for 24 hour races). What goes on tour stays on tour (eh Brycie aka Captain America). Well that rule still applies, but now we have a blog, here are a few highlights of this years secret squirrel undercover operation.....deeeep in south of the middle of the north in the middle of no-where.

The start of the dusk till dawn special op's mission #1 - top brass present and correct.....Cobra WTF? We're not in the hood now bro.... We are missing a Stagg - supposedly opted for base camp duties of "stoking" the fire - whose we are not sure.....

As usual the invitations were sent out (its definitely invite only - you can't gate crash due to the very secret location and special ops training criteria). As usual everyone is sent the burn on reading invite 3 months out.... all are as keen as mustard - first time ever all invites were confirmed - this could be the first ever 100% turn out! Well after a few poor excuse, excuse cards were played, we were down to 9 out of the 12 agents invited. Not bad. The 3 "deserters" who get a big Red FAIL card, are on 50 eggs duties with Cool Hand. If you got a "bug" or a broken leg, tell someone who cares...part of the op's weekend is to get rid of said "bug" and for good luck, break a leg....ok Vincenzo you don't have to do the 50 eggs with Cool Hand - best excuse card ever played FTW ;-)

Guru's "special op's" favourite hang out - and its not where you think it is....coded for another location, delta alpha Charlie foxtrott rubber ducky - over. Pain Train supplies were purchased here at this very top secret location. Don't google the name on the bunker - its a special op's cover name only. You need a secret handshake to get in too....

Friday night is always the arrive and have a few yarns (sharing co-op mission plans for the year) next to the fire we hand-made from cutting down a tree by hand and the rocks gathered from the local Lake and streambeds. Bears I mean BEERS were also produced while on special op's "Corona" hops duty with "Steins" full of pure organic being produced.
Possibly a BIG night carbo loading at the local op's "cougar" centre for the next days BIG ride is on the agenda as well.
Well this year some of us hardened up and did night riding ops training, before the BIG op's night out. We only got out for an hour or so ride before it got too dark (as some of us forgot their lights, although this is good for some of the undercover night operations deeeep in the forest at the Moonride) it was perfect weather with clear skies - almost romantic....come on guys don't blow our cover...on this single track we'll call for secrecy reasons, "K2W". We had to get back and get our orders in at the local One Stop "Gurus" op's shop before they closed. What hasn't this special op's bunker got?! (well ok it hasn't got any AK47's or blow up dolls...that we saw).

After a big feed, we hit the beers etc (again) + watched a Lance appreciation DVD (total legend kicks arse on a Mountain bike as well) as a warm up. This was a good motivational session for the BIG night ahead......early hours of the morning later thats all I'm going to say. Some of us op-ted for lighter refreshments, but to save face of those pikers, they shall remain nameless......more hills reps tomorrow for you!

Op's Captain Focker leads the charge on op's ride #2. As you can see by the blured image, we are going VERY fast. Notice how special agent Cobra is following - he has learnt his strengths and weaknesses finally, although he does look like he is struggling to hold the wheel of Focker...

Top secret location on day 1 - basically another undercover ops hideout and sleeping quarters for the night...notice how special ops K9 leader Staggio, has tamed the the WILD beast we encountered - luckily as he had the Sask lined up for his next meal. Agent Germinator needs a good feed himself...

Wazza doing the extra hill reps for his epic lateness fail - this is number 300 so he's down to walking the line (feat.jonny cash)

Next day agent Wazza decided to turn up (after knowing he couldn't cope with Friday nights festivities) at a Waz-way time of LATE:1100 hours (once again). We were already riding our way to a place we'll call "KKB" by the time he had arrived. The day was an absolute minter too, so nooo farken way were we waiting around any longer! After a few attacks from agent Cobra on his SS29r, the boys settle in and enjoyed some sweet singletrack op's training by the side of a small lake the size of Singapore. Special op's "Last of the summer wine" track crew had been hard at work improving the access for us Inglorious basterds and had done a great job making the track more user friendly for the general public and punters. We were disppointed not to get the previously more techincal track to ride on the way back, as this had been camoflauged to cover any past secret missions we had done. Still, with another planned 65km of track, the NZSS have approved $3 million to be spent for further op's training routes.

This is singletrack how it should be - deeeeeeeeep undercover

Agent Germinator being dropped for tardy equipment and Ghey grey uniform fail.

Germinator forgot it wasn't a race for a few minutes, so any chance we got we put some advantage into him (especially when he broke his chain) we did. His downhilling needs work too, so he went faster than normal, which put the pressure right on the limit for the rest of the team. For a sponsored rider, his bike is somewhat consistantly mechanically inept......add to cart - more bike maintenance required. Not too many spills or crashes happened overall so op's training #2 for the day went down a treat. We nearly hit Wazza head on on the way back as he was smacking his donkey to meet up with us so he didn't miss too much of the morning session. He missed the ducking and diving flowing downhill and subsequent undercover op's hidden camera session. He had is own helmet camera but failed again to turn it on, then when he did, just got Sasks rear blocking the rest of real riding up front. Due to Wazza being waaaay outa line with a FAIL in punctuality, he had extra op's reps to do up the huge Mountain climb some of us did on the return from op's ride to KKB. When I say some of us, typical of sargent soft cock Brycie (who could only manage 100 horizontal metres of the climb), returned to HQ for a "shower" while a few others also achieved a FAIL mark while watching the real men of the Pain Train do the hard yards as seen below:

After doing 500x500m ascent hill reps, the hard boys of the PT reflect on  op's training for the day and the softness of those PT below. Digi asks Focker "caaaan wi dooo anetha hundrud"(translated: Can we do another 100) Focker replies: "Thats enough hill scalps for one day Digi".

There's only one FIGJAM in the Pain Train.....asking yourself doesn't count though Focker

After an epic morning riding (+/- 100km/3000m ascended) we needed sustenance. Special op's java was required so we headed for a hook up at what we will call "Crouton" (actually a secret bunker with minimal supplies of panini's, burgers and carrot cake and coffee - home away from home). Here we get an amazing special op's re-fuel (code name "K-Burger"). Here it is:

Mmmmmmm...the pickle remind you of anything Cobra???

 Sask taking a well deserved afternoon nap, after a hard day's op's + epic food. Bit of bald spot developing there - he'll have to stop rubbing up against those trees's.....

As planned post ride (instigated by agent Germinator as usual) a quick dip in the lake (swim 4km around to the next bay) was to be undertaken by all as H20 special op's, code name "major shrinkage". Well this was your typical mental test of gullability - once again agent Cobra took the bait while the rest of us sift on the shoreline, warm and fully masculine in appearance as expected - a bit soft, but not as soft as Brycie. Agent Cobra on the other hand, could be considered the hardest Pain Trainer for his effort, but came up short on 1 nut and a member. He could have regained this later on, except he decided to have a lemon tea, instead of a lemon in his Corona.

Speaking of corona's, beer o'clock 0 hundered hours was calling. But wait, there is special op's ride #3 to do. Brycie headed home - where he belonged but at least he did turn up this time. Brycie was a last man standing special op's agent, so reasonably hard, but code name "Bec's" has affected his performance somewhat, giving her more of his hardness than the op's team training. Brycie is definitely the sniper of the team though - nice work getting one past enemy lines on your 1st shot, pity you didn't get any more shooting practice though. 

Back to the riding. Night ride #2 and special op's ride#3 was to be deployed, before beers were enjoyed. Mission completed, orders were needed to be to Guru's op's shop before 19:00 hours. It was a BIG order. Team order op's code name "Hawaiian" was deployed and 5x "Scoops" + a Sask "Dog" were required for fuel for another BIG night ahead.

Tour De France watching was planned as deeep into the night training after visiting the "cougar town" night op's secret location.

But as a warm up before we were attacked by cougars, we had to watch motivation movie #2.  Aptly named, Pure Sweet Hell was training op's for the up coming NZ CX champs and was not hell to watch at all, unlike Lucas' infamous, "Cool Hand Luke" movie we had to endure last year. The boys lapped it up and got some good ideas for the NZCX course (special op's co-vert undercover project code named "mudfest" led by Vincenzo who was MIA on the weekend - broken leg pfffff - what ever....). Of course quite a few more beers were had, but as usual, The Germinator was tee-totaling and Cobra joined him with a nice cup of herbal tea......these 2 were saving themselves for Sunday - what for I don't know as Tour De Lance night op's was the mission now.

The night op's mission involved no sleep - so yep all the hard op's team stayed up, avoided getting cougarised and watched the ITT of the Le Tour, mean while soft cock op's were in bed by 9.30.......Just joking - there is no-way anyone is allowed to go to bed by 9.30 on such an important weekend! As the rest of the night was secret op's - we'll keep it that way....

Sometime in the early hours of the next morning, all members present and correct, had enjoyed seeing Andy Schleck destroy himself for the TT ride of his life, only to be pipped by that alien Spanish sook Contador. 31 seconds is all the difference was, about the same time as it takes Guru to get fit again and also come first (sorry Liz). All these BIG night activities needed a BIG cook up - appertites were fierce - below is what was being cooked up by the special op's head chef Sask and co (his pancake portion shown below).

No 50 hard eggs this trip Cool Hand - just fried.

mmmmmmmm pancakes, luckily Sask made enough for the rest of us - epic they were too.

So with Contador winning the tour, op's training food taken, it was time to hit the road for more riding.....for some us harder Inglorious basterds anyway. While special agents Germinator, Digi and Focker headed for the hills of Pain Train Base camp HQ (a little further up the road from training weekend base camp) agent Stagg took off for special op's "Turoa" for some snow sifting, while agents Sask and Guru headed home for special op's "relieve the Mrs from the screaming  kids" duties. Special agent Cobra had no excuses, but headed home with Guru as he wouldn't get home on his own. Agent Waz went his way, which may have meant more riding or may have meant Mrs Waz had other duties awaiting him.....

All in all, great weekend and after a 50/50 call to a friend since the audience had no idea, we'll say it was a 9/10 with room for improvement, as usual. And as mentioned at the beginning, what goes on tour stays on tour and if you weren't on tour, well you won't really know what happened will you, so you really need to be on tour next time!

NZ Cyclecross Champs this weekend!!!

Boonen piking out like a wuss from NZCX Champs

1st annual Karioi Classic - Sasks PT report

On a cold wintery day in the Tron the Pain Train crawled out of hibernation, drove over the hill to Raglan to a fine sunny winter’s day event, the Karioi Classic race.


The first year for this race saw the organisers a little frazzled as 230 people rocked up to register, many on the day. They had only bargained on around 100 entering, so were a bit over-whelmed but that didn’t slow things and the ride kicked off at 10am on time.

The boys before the start -"we're just cruising"

Sask looking comfy....                                           Dell doing a great job with a bottle hand up to Guru

The Pain Train Crew of Sasky, Guru, Cobra, Digi and TT Tui all showed up to kick the legs into action on the gravel roads around this scenic area of Rags, followed by cafe’s and shopping from wives and partners it’s an easy sell. Associate PT member King Dong (Raynesy) and a few other Cycology riders also turned up. Focker had just returned from his TDF viewing and was still a little jet lagged so was on Soignér duties for the day (bottles and EPO shots half way round TDF styles). Brycey was there....excuse card please??? Oh thats right the surf was up.....shrinkage factor included!

The ride kicked off with about a 10km climb up the flanks of the local Mount Karioi. A Toanga to local maori it is covered in thick native bush with many pristine streams around it’s perimeter. We were all glad the locals allowed us to skirt the bush with views of awesome surf and even down the coast to Ruapehu in one spot.

The course was pretty cool, very undulating with long climbs and fast descents (top speed 74km from Guru and Cobra - basterds thats my domain!) into valleys and round the back of the Mtn on the surf side (west) each descent had a nasty left hander (I'm talking about the road not the surf) followed by a climb out to another bluff. This area also goes past Ruapuke and Manu Bay so would be a great training spot in summer, with ride first, cafe fueling then a surf, so this could be on the cards once weather fines up.(ed's note focker and Brycey been doing this for years).

Back to the riding, Raynesy took off like a cut cat on his flash new Scott CX bike. He said it was perfect for the ride and I’d have to agree, Sheldon Gorter also rode one FTW so can’t be wrong. Certainly didn’t need shocks or MTB gearing. Behind Raynsey, Cobra was climbing well and rode away from Guru and Sasky who were about 2mins apart, then another 2mins back to Digi, not bad for an old fella. TT Tui had a mechanical and decided the friendly but weird local ride hm was the way to go. All in all the PT represented well with most in the top 50 - not bad for most of us being couch bound for the last few months (read come out of retirement for some). Results below.

A great ride, awesome day and loads of potential to become a staple in the Waikato MTB/Road riding calendar. Wide appeal to dirty roadies and MTBrs with road fetishes and a very widespread appeal to all, being able to bribe wives with shopping and cafes’ afterwards to refuel.

Once again Cobra is confused as to where the finish is....

 
 Results:

Sheldon Gorter FTW 1:35:55  1st o/a
King Dong                 1:44:42  11th o/a 2nd 40+
Cobra                        1:53:02  31st o/a 7th 30-39
Guru                           1:59:03  45th o/a 12th 40+
Sask                           2:02:44   55th o/a 14th 30-39
Digi                             2:05:45   67th o/a 2nd living fossil (60+)
TT Tui                         DNF

Digi had a good ride - coach happy. Red card fail though for no PT uniform

Fockers und Langs @ Le Tour! Allez Allez Allez!

We'll let the pictures do the talking.....

Focker finally finishes his sign (and gets it on TV!)

Pain Train HQ Morzine

ALL the BIG names were there - another Focker road tagging

PT mentor - GO Jens!

Our friends from Italy - Big screen in the tent too and great wine!

BIG Lance fans and Focker

BIG crowds in the farrrrk u - I mean que

Lances bike post crashes and looking very new....

The pre-race activities were pumping all day....and the vino kept the NRG high but fockers singing was still tragic! The girls were a hit thats for sure...

Why tire pressure really matters in cyclocross

I'd been waiting for rain, maybe that's perverse, but up until mid May it was dry as up here in the Waikato, and I wanted an excuse to ride the cyclocross bike which had been sitting unused since August. 


Mid May and the rains came, sweet, so Saturday arvo I headed out to Puke[ete] for some hot laps on the new singlespeed CX setup, I figured I needed some distance so pumped up the Vittoria XG cross tires pretty hard and rode out from home to add 10kms...


39:16 was feeling pretty under geared on the road, but maybe a little tall on the trail, that said lap one went well, maybe a few dicey moments but nothing to worry about and nothing 15psi less wouldn't have helped. Lap two was another matter, I remember approaching a right hand corner up and across a small slippery bank...and then the front wheel wipes out, I hit the ground hard, something pops and I'm on my side still clipped in and my ankle really doesn't feel good, unclipping hurts like hell and I can't put weight on my right leg. 


Arse. 


I lay on the grass for a bit weighing options, I've got my cellphone, but I'm too far from the road to expect the Boss to come get me in the park... I give it a minute, I still can't walk, but I can use the bike to stand, if you can stand you can ride, so opt to get back on the bike and ride out, and by the time I reached the road I was fkd if I was going to stop so I kept going until I hit home - traffic lights were the only real problem, clipping out with my right foot caused some crazy pain. 


Made it back, dumped bike in the garage, then got the ice, strapping tape, voltaren and a few glasses of wine...my ankle was blowing up pretty quick and the Boss decided we were off to the Docs. Quick Xray and it's a pretty obvious spiral fracture to the fibula. 

             

Thing is the Doctor is a cyclist, so he's so keen to talk to me about riding, he has me hop/limp along after him, overlooking the fact he's got me walking about on a now definitely broken ankle...groan.


lesson one: use lower tire pressures when riding cross 
lesson two:if you think it's broke, it probably is
lesson three: voltaren and wine are effective pain killers, but don't repair the damage
lesson four: you can ride a turbo trainer in a fiberglass leg cast ;-)   

Vincenzo

Rantings from the Pits of the Cafe Solo 12hr shift and who ate all the pies??

Cafe solo is the loneliest cafe in the world......(ed. Note: Sasquatches need company, a bit like a dog)

You only have 3-4 customers (Focker, Jemima, Rossco and Smithy occasionally) who keep coming back every few hours, they demand instant service (even though you don’t know when they are arriving), you only have cold, day old food and customers occasionally shout out demands from the course without even stopping!

Whats more, even with only 3 or 4 customers you find it hard to leave for a “smoko” break in case your riders need you. The next door camp sites geer from the side lines with their fancy puesdo F1 race team set up....Even though you’re at a bike event, you can’t really ride at all!

Despite all that Cafe solo is very fulfilling and isn’t really “the pits”!

So now, onto Fockers race....

The race morning dawned a tad cold through the cloud, with the 24hr racers having had a dry night and a bit cool, but nowhere near as brutal as past years. The path through the 24hr area hadn’t even broken into mud so a good day was ahead of the 6 and 12hr riders. Perfect riding conditions, dry but tacky tracks and cool temps but great riding conditions meant fast times straight off the line. Top teams were rolling around the track in around 20mins or a touch under over a 9km course so a great day ahead. Focker got a good conservative start off the line (for him) and rolled out in top 50 of the 300 or so (can’t remember exactly) so not too bad. Certainly not the hole shot he’d usually go for (like JP and Cabin had got) but fast enough not to be held up over the bridge.

The first 4-5 laps rolled around pretty quickly, I still had no idea of what my job was as Focker didn’t need anything so hence I kept missing lap times/splits with other competitors and was generally more interested in the battle royale unfolding up in the team leaders spots. One thing very noticeable was the speed and domination of 29rs this year. Even with a god aweful beige one piece Cabin was racing fast up front and maybe he just wanted to put the competition off their stride as well, either way it worked!

Focker was riding well, 22/23 minute laps (when I remembered I was on timing) which seemed a bit fast. Crap, is he gonna survive on the previous weeks performance pie diet (footnote below) and super taper training programme or is he gunna blow at 7hrs into it? (ed. Note – Focker super taper = 3 weeks of 2x 2hour rides and finally 1 ride a week...)

Focker missed his first planned pitstop and just took a quick piss and grabbed some lunch on the fly. A few more laps of going around and around and around and Focker pulls in. Chain lubed - check, gets help from the GF (Koob) changing strides - check, chafe cream - not needed, nipple tape - go away Sask... and he’s off again.

Darkness starts to set around 5pm in the forest so the plan was another stop at that point for lights on and another nosh. Focker was looking a bit grey at this point and I was starting to wonder what time would be best to mention he had paid for this results wise? Probably too early, wait till later. Rach and I try to feed the guy more, he’s been running on peak fuel most of the day and hardly touched the performance B&E pie made lovingly by Kirst, I’ve tried it, it’s good, in fact so good if he doesn’t nosh in soon it’ll be gone with half a box of triple choc brownie that Kirst also made - day old but still epic!

At about 7pm with 3 hours to go Rach has finished the 6hr team's race and now helping with team Focker pit duty (she better not cut in on my chafe cream opportunity). We head over to race HQ and check times, he’d been running in 3rd early on and moved into 2nd the last time I checked. 3 hrs to go and results say.... slipped to 4th, oh man, what now? Not only that, he’s slipped back by 13 mins and only 2.5hrs to go after this lap. Decision time, do we tell him even though he’s dragging his table a bit, he’s now slipped to 27/28min laps. Nah, encourage and feed him up if the pie lasts long enough. Fingers crossed, hope for the best.

Time and laps roll on a bit more, one more stop for chain lube and an extra pair of shorts (10hrs in the saddle, nuff said) and he’s off on the final few laps. Bike and body keep trucking and people in and near cafe solo stop mocking me and move onto encouraging Focker with the pit team also. Chris (Smithy) rolls in with a snapped Giant frame, ouch, seat tube insert the culprit (hope that’s warranteed), he rolls back out on his SS while the crowd diagnoses how he snapped it. 
Ross and Nina depart, with Nina's classic final wish of good luck and encouragement "we'll be rooting for you by the fire at home". Crikey, ole Rossco, who has not done a lot of riding in the last year, still managed to do 6 odd hours of his 12 hour solo stint (total 91km - 10 laps was his goal which he did) and then still had enough energy left....not bad for 53 yo I reckon! ;-)

Focker rolls round on lap 25, he signals he’s toast so we figure its still too early to tell him he is in 4th, but do it anyway and I decide to flag saying the “you paid for this” I told you so lecture. Rach and I meet Focker at the finish line, he’s in pretty good shape (and could have done another lap which we encouraged him to do – but nah he was over it) due to his pie diet and mega taper programme! We are still unsure how he slipped to 4th, maybe it was the 2nd clothes change/extra chain lubing? Oh well, 26 laps probably averaging about 25mins ain't bad and legend has ridden about 240km, all on the same bike which kept running well all day, no issues at all, so Cycology, great stuff.

Couple of debrief yarns and I’m back to the camp ground to warm up. Next morning we debrief at mother’s day breaky at Zippy’s, still wondering how other riders got ahead when Ben (the winner) was the only rider to knowingly pass near the end of the day. We were all left questioning the result.....So we return to the mighty Tron and normality....

Focker checks results online on Sunday night and see’s that yep, BIG timing blunder – the people ahead of him have been given 5 and 8min laps that are waaaay wrong, so he still think's it’s 2nd overall, sweet!

Later on race timing confirm via email that is definitely the case (and give an apology) so yeah legend! The pie diet, low training km’s = 2nd overall, wicked! Rach is happy also, but miffed as to why he was patient enough to come second for a change, when he normally always comes first ;-))))))))))

Next year?.....maybe less patience, more pies, less cruising, more training, less talking, more informing the pit crew of the plan of attack and definitely more food!

The Theory of PieFockerArse....

No it’s not some weird move from “Anal Asians 3” or “the return of the second cuming”, its Fockers new endurance performance diet. Prior to any long distance event in winter, it’s important to pack in as many calories as possible. Focker stated that he had eaten 17 pies and a few donuts in the 2 weeks leading up to Moonride and it didn’t hamper his performance one bit, in fact, the Focker got 2nd.

So, lesson one, calories are important and pies offer a good balance of meat protein, fat and fat. Eat loads of these in winter and just wait for the performance gains! (ed. Note: Kids do not try this at home, especially if you are a couch bound, Playstation playing lazy little shite! You will end up a FF – if you aren't already...Also, those prone to heart failure, should only eat half the amount of pies prescribed) .

Fockers Best pie – A tie between Steak & Mushroom from the Hillcrest bakery and a Jesters Billy T. A Close 2nd is a 5 X-roads Bacon, Cheese, Tomato and steak. BP Wild bean have some nice pies too, as does Paetiki Bakery in Taupo, Licorice Cafe in Motuopa. Kihikihi SH3 Bakery has possibly the best cream donuts and iced buns on the planet.

Also a good endurance and motivating read is “A long way for a pie”. Focker currently has this available in his Library......and also a number of Pain Train members books that aren't his....

Vital stats from Fockers bike computer: Average speed: 21kph. Average hr: 149. Max hr: 178. Total ride time: 11hrs 04 minutes. Total km's: 232 km. Vertical metres Gained: 1757m

Sask “Poz” Team Focker Manager

A quick note from Focker (yeah right):

My story - yeah all what Sask said above is pretty much on the mark....I was in the Pain Cave last lap or so like I have never experienced before, but all in all enjoyed the day immensely! The first 6 hours was easy peasy and also good fun due to the course, other riders were polite when passing etc, so all good. With some good training next time, I think I could keep the pace up until at least the 9 hour mark, but yeah a lot more training than I did for sure.....Going Solo wasn't as hard as I thought and although I said straight after I had finished "never F%&$* again", like the Terminator, I'll be back for sure. If you want to do it - go for gold!
Thanks heaps to the Sask for volunteering to look after me, he did a great job and I appreciated it. Koob was awesome as well, encouragement and looking forward to seeing my darken at the end of every lap was a bone-us. Kirst cooked up some great Kai, just a shame my race head was telling me to eat Peak Fuel more than her goodies. And finally, Rossco "gorse" Healey - he was the instigator of this whole thing - 24 hours was his first idea and I said "no way, are you on something". Ross had been working non-stop all through the night to get the props ready for Nina's bid to kick butt at the Interflora World Cup in China (and she did very well - 14th in the world!!) and had got over tired, over excited and was on fire! So anyway, thanks Rossco, I wouldn't have done it otherwise.
Focker

Wazzati's gotta new bike too...mmmmm

Hand built in the USA, put together by myself, Sram Red, similar weight to Masi frame, only ridden once, plenty of Waz attacks to come though! Its quite nice don't you think? If it gets me under 6 at K2 I'll be even more happy with her.

Germanator's NEW Marin Roadie

Hi, you may have seen me in such movies as "I did myself - twice" and "Analyser 4, a new rating system".

But seriously, here is my new bike, as I sadly had to replace my Kona, due to making close friends with a south Auckland families car, which also made very good friends with a number of other cyclists as well. My friend Karl Murray is almost a second cousin to them......New bikes all round and no KFC for about 20 years for the south Auckland family due to a lack of insurance (sadly).

As I am also the Analyser (but Germanator 1st and foremost of course), I have to rate everything from 1-10. Out of 10, this bike gets a "I dropped the bunch again" speedy 9/10. A very solid performer indeed and the Germanator will be back to his dominating self, especially since I'm only weighing in at 69.6 kg's as well. Jan should have had me be his nutritionist I think.

Beware the mighty Sasquatch - he can swim too!

On the race front the Sask swum like he was chasing rouge campers down the stream on Sat, scared the pants of Danyon Loader and kicked his flabby ass up to the finish chute, to finish a respectable 106th (13th in age grp) of 900. Next year I practice breathing in my washing machine before taking on another Ocean swim series race. Far too many people for my liking, although, I didn't get kicked in the face, gogg's off or the old wetti downtrowl so can't complain.
Bring on the beer and hybernation, and CX!


Sask






"The BC sasquatch is also known to be able to swim. At Butedale in July, 1965, Jack Taylor was fishing when he saw two sasquatches on shore and a third in the water which was swimming very strongly. He reported his sighting to veteran investigator Bob Titmus. The village of Klemtu in the Great Bear Rainforest had a report of a sasquatch seen swimming off a beach in the area. Further details are not available at this time. Reports of swimming sasquatches have come from Tofino on the west coast of the province. Sasquatches have been seen swimming from Tofino to Meares Island on a number of occasions, the most recent being in 2002. A report of a swimming sasquatch was also received by investigator Tom Steenburg. One was seen swimming in Harrison Lake and when it came ashore, the creature shook the water off its fur much as a dog would do."

*Quote from the British Columbia Scientific Cryptozoology Club

Mont Vontoux - stage 1 of the PT Waikato adventure rides!

With a mint Waikato weekend to look forward too, what better way than explore the local mountain passes on offer so it was decided an early Saturday morning start was the go. We'll keep this short and let the pictures do the talking (mostly).
Wazzati, Cobra and Focker (Vincenzo pulled last minute to "look after" Soph....sure;-) set out early-ish for the Waikato town of Cambridge. First hiccup - Focker left his food and camelback at home (thanks to Koob for making the phone call to alert focker he wasn't alert when packing the car - we were only half way there luckily..). Ok so the ride didn't start as early as expected...
The plan - ride from Cambridge, up the Sanitorium Mountain pass (Maungakawa 1200 ft/380m above sea level - start elevation 53m above sea level) then onto Te Miro MTB tracks then back via Waikato's own Mont Vontoux (1350ft/450m above sea level) then back over Sanitorium to Cambridge for coffee and some kai. After a number of Wazza "Jan" attacks and Focker dropping the boys on anything that looked like a downhill, Cobra decided he better cut the ride short and head home early (and get Kelli to pick him up so he could to get to the airport on time to pick up his brother)....yeah right, missed all the hills and nearly rode all the way back to the Tron as it turned out - cunning Cobra plan for sure (he didn't get lost though so thats a bonus).

He missed out on climbing Vontoux(and Maungakawa again), which Waz and myself did, but were not ballsy enough to jump the fence with the big "F*&% off - private property" sign to get to the top of (50 vertical metres short) but there will be a next time - great views of the Mt Ruapehu, Lake Karapiro etc all the same. The singletrack we did at Te Miro was in mint condition also and we found a track we'd never ridden as well - awesome. So after 56km, 3 hours of riding, 1003m/3000ft of vertical metres gained (climbing) we knocked the bastard off - a long overdue ride we've been meaning to do for the last few years.
The Next PT Waikato adventure ride is Saturday the 24th April - be there!

The Inaugural Tour De Garage

What do you do when there's no racing on? You ride to each other's houses just like when you were kids and check out each other's toys...and in the interests of transparency and healthy competition you rate each others toys. Remember kids it's always a competition.

Wins

1. Outstanding breakfast and quality calendar at Guru's
2. Vincenzo's "real man's shed" and associated bike porn
3. Early adopt a team member at Sask's + ginger crunch
4. Focker's shrine (and Focker FTW with top garage on points)
5. Lucas "Did you know I've got a Moots?" Cool Hand's Yeti (circa 198? something)
6. Waz for having the good sense to get the beers in

Fails

1. Waz almost impaling himself on an exploding Candy (of the Crank Bros variety)
2. Waz's Lack of team uniform and lowest scoring garage
3. Focker's jockey's poster featuring Daniel Carter + food shortage
4. The dodgy single track off the side of Anglesea (Waz again)
5. Vincenzo's saddle (and height of) choices
6. Cool hand's Yeti matching Kayak

Focker cruising in the Coromandel

A race of 2 halves (and other Colville tales) and bad day is sometimes a good one - NO excuses, well maybe a couple...

So yeah I was feeling good all week, apart from the breathing/tight chest thingee issues + put my neck out = excuse card played but only worth a yellow card, not a red card like last years epic excuses I had used.....like "I did Karapoti the week before, the weather is shite, its not REAL mountain biking, I had to ride in the car with Cobra" etc etc.......but no excuses though, I still felt good race day, maybe too good and the Spanish hottie parked in her red VW behind us distracted me also (darken Sask) although lungs were average at the start (she took my breath away..).....I just was a bit too relaxed about the whole thing = 1st fail - no warm up (damn Spanish chick). It was a mint day too, surely everyone would want to cruise for about 40 minutes until I was warmed up?? Have I mentioned the spanish chick? (Maybe she was Brazillian....mmmmmm).....

....NOPE no warm up = fail I was in the front bunch with Jack Chapman, Scott Thorne, Jarod etc - even Scotty Raynes was there (somehow Bodo thought he was waaaaay up the road or something and ahead of us), but due to my 1st fail, as anybody knows who rides with me, if you want to have a crack, do it in the first 40 minutes of the ride.....Anyhow, after the pace went up a bit, I was just hanging on, then Bodo crashed his brains out 20 minutes into the race, about 50000 millimetres in front of me (off to a&e = AC joint + broken hand + grazing + stitches = Fail for Turbodo and a BIG bugger too) - he was riding the gravel like a muppet and nearly took Chris, Jack and myself out up the 2nd climb before his crash (which I have since had a "chat" with him about...he was disappointed this could affect any future Pain Train association or participation - rule #345 ) so that put bit of a damper on the whole proceedings to be honest.

Legs were saying go, lungs said nah not yet. So got dropped from the lead bunch by not making sure I was in the bunch on a climb (was just hovering off the back thinking I'll catch up on the downhill as I'm a demon on the gravel as you all know.....), which I should have held onto easy, as sitters Scollay and co were getting sucked along nicely with the others by the time they got to the flat road and yep never saw them again. Then to add to that, a bunch of fellow Tronites (but not able to go into the pain cave in comparison to us) Thomass, McGovern, Peploe and your grandma etc all rode past like I was standing still...farrrrrrrrrrrk.

Ole Rayne supreme was on me like a dry humping dog (as usual)....we were staying together but we are not that close yet ok Scotty....Anyhow I decided my race for any decent placing is now over, so cruise-ish until my legs come right.....normally when I do fail #1, this is usually about 40-45 minutes into the race/ride and yep - 45 minutes and 36 seconds after the start, up a steepish climb, I was back - up 3 gears almost instantly, caught and smashed past that "I"am sorry Ian Thomas, then past "more excuses than politician" McGovern within 20 minutes (they must have thought I was on drugs by the look on their faces). Once I got to the single-track, I picked up at least 60 riders in quick succession, including the underdog ginger mate of Scotty's (from the one eyed City of Canterbury) Dave was smoking along, but like all the other punters, should have pulled over for the single-track god that I am - we actually had some real mtn biking instead of all this roadie gay gravel drafting BS. It was mint too and fun! Once I hit the last steep climb out of the single-track (rode the whole thing no problem, almost threw it into the big ring just show how good I was going - everyone else was walking most of it hence I picked up more than 1000 places - even the semi-pro punter Scotty Thorne (thornado) ran some of it he said (and would have been faster than anybody too) so I was stoked with my form for that part anyway). So yep rode the whole rest of the race mostly on my own (or passed and picked up the odd wheel sucker and towed them along the coast then got rid of them when they stopped talking to me...or was it me that pissed them off from all my talking...nah). I had this funny feeling Beam me up (Scotty) was stalking me (again) but we were staying another night in Waitete bay, so he had plenty of time to try his moves then after 9 coronas....

Peploe was well gone with a strong bunch of Avery and co, so thought I'd never catch him with his current form of sitting on (after all the training and the Alpine Epic race he has just done - he said he climbed 7000m in 4 days!! Now that's a typical lawyer telling a few porkies I reckon....:-).

Such was the pace I was going at after all this passing (no one to chase, no one chasing me) I had a good ole yarn with this english guy who (wheel) sucked me from Fletchers bay for nearly all the way to the finish (he won the 155+ grade - Legend) strong old bugger though and was here visiting his daughter in TOORUNGA...WTF?(I think he meant Tauranga - Digi please confirm ;-) and doing winter training for up coming summer in the UK (races and manages a pro GAY team sponsored by the National Fire Service or something). One by one as I saw people in the distance, started to up the pace and pick them off, which then spurred me on to stop talking, which is unlike me of course... (and I could hardly understand what the pom was saying anyway between him trying to breath and telling me how good he was....I might still catch Peploe etc. I thought I saw him, then caught the guy and it wasn't him (same colour shirt). Then about 10 or so riders I caught and dropped, picking up the pace all the way (from 24-26 kph to 32-36kph on the flat - true, possibly faster.....yeah right). I thought I should let the pom do some work while I had a snack, but then the pace dropped back to 26 kph, so thought right, he's hurting (but it was nice and cruisy sitting on him all the same). I saw Patrick (Paddy to his mates ;-) Avery up ahead (on a CX bike) and he was hurting, more his arms than legs he said, but unlike all the other muppets I passed, I let him get on (I'm such a nice guy) and he's good. I thought great, we can take turns and up the pace to closer to a 50k average to try and catch more people....nope he said he was happy sitting on thanks, got out the KFC + some cream buns for desert, which is why his arms were smacked as he said (which with the road corrugations I'd believe also didn't help). With about 5km to go, I saw Peploe going up the 2nd to last climb about 1km away from me. Right, he's mine but I haven't got much time to catch him.....Up the pace we go. Dropped the old pom almost immediately (I bet he started whinging - typical) and thought I had shelled Paddy as well......nope. He was egging me on, saying I was storming along etc (highlight of my day being told that by a legend). So I put the hammer down up the climb, down the other side then Matt (Peploe) looked around, then had another look in surprise and I could tell he thought "where the hell has he come from, I thought there was only one Superman". I pulled up beside him just before the last climb, with 2km to go, did a bit of a Lance look to see what he had.....just like Arnie the Gurninator had arrived....

After a bit of cat and mouse, tickle and a poke, Paddy told me stop mucking around teasing Peploe, there are 500 guys 500m back hammering in a bunch towards us (bloody excuse #58 McGovern and co as it turned out). So up the last climb we hammer, I thought Peploe would have me to be honest - crikey he weighs 45kg or something and he needs a good feed I reckon, but he wasn't biting into my ample stash of mancake if I could help it, so at that thought, Paddy and I smashed it and I had a heap left in the tank so it was good to hear Paddy breathing hard also (possibly because he was behind me once again checking out the goods....funny that he wanted to stay behind all that time....don't be jealous Scotty ok). He told me he'd tow me to the finish for doing all the work (or something), so with the agreement made (just like Jan and Lance on the Le Tour), we smoked off down the hill, only problem was, my 2x9 with a 39 on the front was not big enough (ok Scotty yeah yeah) to keep up easily, so at my terminal and spin velocity, he had to back off a bit to 65k on the road home (slight headwind) and yeah now I was hurting....lead me across the line and let me take the "win" as it were. Damn nice young fella, had a good yarn at the finish etc, so I reckon the future of the sport is in good hands with such a humble legend in the making (like his brother Clinton no doubt) if not just a bit too happy to riding behind me.

All in all, not the result I was wanting (a sub 3 and top 3 in 35+) and lets face it Scollay beat me and he NEVER beats me....often, but that's my fault really and he had a blinder so stoked for him (could be a JAFA PT member if he plays his cards right).....still I really enjoyed the ride, single-track and conditions were great, as was the riding and drinking company - better than a good result sometimes I think. The Mussel fritters were sublime as usual too - main reason I do this event to be fare!

Seriously though, a special thanks to Scotty, Dell and Dave for putting us up and Scotty for putting up with the BS being told after 5 Stella's, 4 Coronas and 2 glasses of wine (no hangover though so again stoked with that!). Also as per every other race in the last year or so, the bike has been mint and so has the service etc - thanks Cycology ;-). Koob (Rach) had a good ride in the 24km and great support as usual. Thanks also for the great Pain Train team that I trained and rode with who enjoyed dropping me earlier on in the season and learned training is not like racing in the end though........;-))))